I am an introvert

Credits — twitter @dinoman_j

I am an introvert. And I hate (also love) socializing. Let me clarify. A small group of 2–3 people is fine. I can handle that. But a large group having 10s and 20 people just make me plain nervous. I feel like everyone is watching me and I have to behave and act a certain way in order to not be judged. As I move across the room, I can see their eyelids following me till I settle down. And I do the same thing when someone else walks in. But I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with attention.

Next comes the small talk. The usual, “how are you”, “what is up”. Doing this umpteen times (nC2 times, n being the no. of people), an awkward silence proceeds. It is interrupted with same old talks like there’s always one remark on the current political party. Or about wives controlling their husbands' life. I put on a forced smile as I am being stereotyped yet another time. Heck, I too actively participate in such jokes and propagate it even further. What can I say, I like to make jokes, self deprecating most of the times.

I have so many thoughts and ideas that I want to discuss about whether it is about books, movies, current affairs, anything. But it always ends in silence.

I usually listen and ask people about what’s happening in their life and proceed further with the response. And sometimes I able to carry a conversation few sentences further. But mostly it is blank stares and fake smiles. The entire process makes me wonder if I could just disappear from there. I usually try to go back to the room or stand/sit behind someone to avoid any eye gaze. It is pathetic I am aware.

Once when I was in my teens, I spent almost entire evening pretending to handle the playlist on my phone as all guests arrived one after the other for my niece’s birthday so that I could avoid having awkward conversations.

Yeah.. but I have got much better now. The only difference is now I am able to easily talk to people but inside I know that’s not the real me. It’s all a facade. I pretend to enjoy spending time but deep inside I am screaming to get away from them as far as possible. It’s like I have a split personality.

Hoping one day I can shed this pretension and be myself.